The Official Denis Menchov Blooper Reel

Poor Denis Menchov just can’t seem to stay on his bike — maybe it’s his tires, maybe it’s his handling skills, or maybe he just loves the salty grit of pavement. Although the international cycling press lacks the cobbles to ask him which one it truly is, I suspect it’s the last one. After all, why would you lose your concentration and hit the deck during an important Stage 4 team time trial — one in which you’re fighting to keep time against powerhouse teams like Astana and Saxo Bank — unless you absolutely love the taste of French asphalt?

And think back to a month and a half ago, as Menchov was finishing up his final TT through the streets of Rome, enroute to his first Giro d’Italia win:

Sure, it was a little rainy and Menchov was on his TT bike, but have you ever had authentic Italian road?

[the rest of the highlights and bonus hilarity after the jump]

Mark Cavendish is Fastest Man in the World (sorry, ladies)

Someone get Usain Bolt and Bill Curtis on the horn: according to every Versus commentator (including the mind numbing team of  Craig Hummer and Bob Roll), Mark Cavendish is now apparently the “fastest man in the world,” following powerful sprint wins of Tour stages 2 and 3. In both cases, Cavendish beat the strongest sprinters in the world by at least a bike length, and he even had time at the end of his Stage 3 win to further immasculate a tapped Thor Hushovd (Cervelo) by placing a call on his mobile to Thor’s girlfriend.

That said, even the fastest man in the world can’t do it alone, and Cavendish owes both Columbia-HTC teammates George Hincapie and Mark Renshaw a few beers for some of the best sprint lead-outs I’ve ever seen (“Again, [Renshaw's] showed he’s the best lead-out man in the business,” said Cavendish after Stage 3). While it’s still very early in the race, Columbia-HTC have proven their ability to control the pack all the way to the end of a stage, and an uncanny ability for launching the Manx Missile at precisely the right moment (referring to Cavendish, not his penis).

Of course, none of this should really be surprising, considering the fastest man in the world is taking his marching orders from a brilliant Tour staple of the past:

Cavendish also praised Columbia sprint coach Erik Zabel, calling him “the most consistent rider of the last generation” and crediting his victory at Milan-San Remo to the German who wore the Tour’s green jersey for six consecutive years during 1996-2001.

“I just turned 24, I’ve won some races, but if I can combine my sprint with Erik’s consistence and experience. … We work so well together. There’s a great alchemy.”

Cavendish needs three more stage wins to tie the current British record of 8, held by Barry Hoban.

[see the Stage 2 finish after the jump]

A Highly Visual Reference for the Tour de France

One of the things that prevents cycling from reaching a broader audience in the US, in my humble opinion, is the fact that it’s tough to keep track of all of the major players, especially in a Grand Tour like the one starting on Saturday. American sports, much like the American ethic in general, are centered around flashes of individual greatness — the quarterback, the running back, the pitcher, the home run bomber — and as such, team-oriented sports like soccer and cycling have no chance in hell of going mainstream, save for some sort of socialist/communist revolution.

The ironic thing is that professional cycling is full of individual heroics, but the fact that it comes in rarer flashes, after hours of riding in a tightly compressed, seemingly anonymous pack, leaves many people bored as hell. A person can only ask “Where’s Lance?” so many times before flipping over to the baseball game for good, where there are only two teams and pronouncable names on the back of each jersey.

In an effort to counter boredom-by-confusion, Bike Scene proudly presents a visual reference of all the teams competing in the 2009 Tour de France, so you can easily follow the teams and know who you’re yelling at.

[the complete list after the jump]

Alberto Contador Will Win Tour, Make Love to You

PRESS RELEASE FROM THE OFFICE OF ALBERTO CONTADOR VELASCO:

6.28.09 (PINTO, MADRID) – There has been much confusion emanating from the international sporting press corps about the up coming 2009 Tour de France, and The Office of Alberto Contador Velasco (TOACV) would like very much an opportunity to set the record straight. Very simply, Alberto Contador, lead rider for UCI ProTeam Astana, will be the humble winner of the 96th running of the Tour de France, and will be accepting advanced congratulations and gifts at the address listed at the end of this release.

Contador has come off of a long season of training and preparations for this year’s Tour de France, and as leader of Team Astana, is excited to lead the other eight riders to victory on July 26th. Fresh off a Spanish national TT title, where he beat former Caisse d’Epargne rider (now TOACV staffer), Luis León Sánchez by 37 seconds, Contador is confident that he’ll be in the yellow jersey from the prologue — a short time trial in the streets of Monaco.

TOACV would also very much like to thank the American rider, Lance Armstrong, for his upcoming support of Contador through the Tour’s 21 stages, including 3 grueling mountain top finishes. Here is a picture taken in 2008 by the Telegraph of London, featuring Contador with Astana manager, Johan Bruyneel, and Armstrong.

Armstrong will make a fantastic domestique and addition to Team Astana, and may even be strong enough to win a second or third podium position.

[official TOACV video after the jump]

Versus Network Really Wants You to Catch the Race

Versus has released their programming schedule for the Tour de France and, as has generally been true of years past, you’ll have to make a concerted effort to actually miss the race.

Much to the disappointment of hockey nuts and bull riding afficionados everywhere, Versus will turn into the Tour de France network come July 4th, with live coverage in the morning followed by race replays all day and extended primetime coverage in the evening — according to the network, it will average out to about 13 hours of Tour coverage each day… in HD, no less.

A sample day of coverage, taken from the official Versus television schedule:

Stage 13: Friday, July 17, 2009
Vittel – Colmar
8:30am to 11:30am: LIVE Daily Coverage
12:00pm to 2:00pm: Race Action Replay
2:30pm to 4:30pm: Race Action Replay
5:00pm to 7:00pm: Race Action Replay
8:00pm to 11:00pm: Expanded Primetime Coverage
12:00am to 3:00am: Race Action Replay

I don’t mean to complain, but really, Versus, how do you expect me to get any work done with a schedule like that?? At least the Cubs aren’t worth watching anymore, so that’ll free up a good 3 hours a day.

[Tour de France TV Schedule - Versus]

The Countdown Begins: 10 Days to Le Tour

It’s officially ten days until the 96th Tour de France blasts off in Monaco, and things are strangely quiet. Even with national championships going on, there’s not much news hitting the wires; the best (and most cliche) way to describe it is as the calm before the storm. And you’d better believe it’s coming. The multitude of Lance-centric storylines in this year’s Tour (the “don’t-call-it-a” comeback, Lance vs. Levi vs. Alberto) will have every media outlet on the planet gushing over the stage results as if they actually watched it — have you ever seen cycling recaps on CNN, or the local news, for christ’s sake? Take this moment to mentally prepare yourself for all of the “So how’s Lance doing???” questions you’ll field in the next month.

Something to keep in mind: even a seven-time champion needs Lady Luck to win the Tour de France, and anything can happen over 2,000 miles (3,500 km) of racing. Lance will have his hands full dueling with longtime wingman Levi Leipheimer and ’07 champion Alberto Contador; meanwhile, strong contenders like defending champ Carlos Sastre and Denis Menchov will give the Texan a serious ride for his money. Expect fireworks, feuds and flameouts (not necessarily in that order). I wouldn’t count Sastre out of it.

I’ll be updating throughout the next ten days with a variety of pre-Tour stuff to get your appetite primed. Stay tuned.

[2009 Tour de France]

Valverde Wins 2nd Dauphine Libere, Sets TiVo for Tour

Valverde and Contador, seconds before a passionate kiss

Even though I’ve found myself in a bit of a post-Giro, pre-Tour funk, I pulled it together long enough to listen to Paul Liggett’s smooth baritone over the final stage of the 8-day Dauphine Libere (aired on Versus), a mountainous race run through parts of the French Alps that I have no chance in hell of pronouncing correctly.

After fighting off repeated attacks from Cadel Evans on the final climb of the race, the Col de Saint-Bernard du Touvet (see?), Spanish rider/alleged doper/likely douche Alejandro Valverde won his second straight Dauphine Libere, besting Evans and Alberto Contador, both contenders for the yellow jersey in a few weeks. He joins Lance Armstrong in the record books as the second rider to win the Dauphine Libere two years in row; this is also his sixth win of the season, including the Points and Mountains classifications at the Castilla y Leon (where Armstrong once again managed to steal the headlines).

The bad news is that Valverde likely won’t be able to challenge for the yellow jersey at the Tour, as the Italian Olympic Committee (CONI) recently slapped him with a two-year racing ban in Italy for doping, and the Tour de France finds itself in Italy for a mere 60 km during Stage 16 (he has appealed the decision, but there’s no word if it will be resolved before the start of the Tour). The good news is that he’ll have plenty of time to use his Iron Gym (GET BETTER COMMERCIALS, VERSUS) in preparation for the Vuelta in the fall.

[the winner's interview after the jump]

Another Word from Lance: What the Hell is Going On???

If you haven’t already heard, Lance Armstrong is racing in this month’s centenary Giro d’Italia, and as of Monday’s mountainous Stage 16, is in 12th place overall. It’s been a tough few weeks for the cyclist and his team, and although he has begun enforcing a sort of personal media blackout — Armstrong has begun bypassing journalists waiting for him after each stage and heading directly to the team bus or hotel — he was kind enough to send us this dispatch.

Here’s the thing: I thought this whole Giro thing would be a great way to get back in shape for the tour and log some miles on the Italian coast. It’d be good on-the-job training since that asshole tripped me up at the Castilla y Leon (which would be a great name for an indie band, by the way) and I broke my collarbone. The way Johan [Bruyneel, Astana team manager] described it, this would just be a pleasure spin around Rome — he literally said to me, “Lance, the goddamn Pope will be waving to you out his window.” The goddamn Pope.

[more Lance after the jump.]

Armstrong to Ride Communist Bike

<sarcasm>

Just when you told yourself that you couldn’t stand any more of those Che-inspired, ARCH-SOCIALIST Obama posters, TERRORIST/ILLUSTRATOR Shepard Fairey strikes again! The only difference is that instead of working to elect PROVEN COMMUNIST Barack Obama to the highest office in the land, he has somehow convinced Lance Armstrong – capitalist/ubermensch/American hero — that his art is not SUBVERSIVE, WHICH IT IS.

I’m too sick to even discuss this new development, so I’ll just leave it to the RADICAL LEFTISTS in Trek’s marketing/PR department to explain the partnership between Fairey and Armstrong. I’ve taken the liberty of including a few clarifying notes in brackets:

As Lance Armstrong prepares for his first Grand Tour in nearly four years—the upcoming Giro d’Italia (May 9th-31st)—he’ll have two new bikes to ride as he races through the Italian countryside. The third and fourth bikes of the LIVESTRONG “Stages” art show—a Trek Madone and a Trek Equinox TTX—were recently unveiled by SuperTouchArt.com. The Madone, conceived by contemporary artist, graphic designer, and illustrator [read: TROTSKITE] Shepard Fairey, is, according to SuperTouch, “a vibrant homage to Lance’s cancer fighting foundation” that includes “ancient patterning in honor of Italy’s rich architectural [read: FASCIST] details.”

Apparently the plans are to auction the bikes in the fall, with the proceeds going to benefit the Lance Armstrong Foundation, but we all know “foundation” is code for THEY WILL BE GIVEN TO THE PROLETARIAT. William F. Buckley, Jr. is spinning in his grave.

[More photos and a video after the jump]

Your Belated Giro Update

It’s been an exciting start to the Giro d’Italia so far this year, as riders have battled past crashes and over the mountains in search for the always illusive maglia rosa [the pink jersey]. The excitement continued with Stage 7′s thrilling 169 km ride began in the beautiful Sicilian port of Catania before winding around the base of Mt. Etna, an active volcano (in what other sport do athletes compete under the threat of molten rock?).

Franco himself

Although riders tried everything to close the time gap, including drafting off of spare dogs (like the Kas-Kaskol rider shown above), it still wasn’t enough to fend off Crazy Heart himself, Franco Bitossi. Fresh off a win at Tirreno-Adriatico, Bitossi could be a contender to take home the points jersey if he keeps this up.

And so, headed into a decisive Stage 8, a 218 km trek to Cosenza, Michele Dancelli holds the leader’s jersey, although Spain’s Jose Perez-Frances looks poised to strike.  Stay tuned for even more excitement from this year’s Giro d’Ita…

What’s that?

…

What do you mean this all happened 50 years ago? WHAT?! I just spent two hours researching all of this on Wikipedia! Yes, I’m aware anybody can edit it. What do you mean I should have known this information wasn’t up-to-date? The photos look fine — Italian cameras just have a vintage style about them. Oh, so you don’t believe me but I have to believe you? Real nice.

[Watch the 2009 Giro after the jump.]

Apparently God is a Local Cycling Fan

Okay, okay — I’m a big enough man to admit when I was wrong, and my pessimistic declaration that Sunday’s Old Capitol Criterium in downtown Iowa City was as good as washed out was flat wrong. The clouds behaved over Southern Iowa (even as Cedar Rapids and Waterloo to the north were getting shit hammered with hail and 2-3 inches of rain), and although it was a little windier than many riders may have liked, Sunday turned out to be a great day of racing. The fairly compact 1-km loop in downtown Iowa City provided spectators plenty of opportunities to see the race from every conceivable angle, and gave you plenty of room to escape the insufferable announcers stationed at the finish line (if you’re reading this, DO NOT PICK OUT RIDERS TO CHEER ON DURING A RACE, EVEN IF THEY’RE YOUR BEST FRIENDS. See also: objective reportage).

A few photos and results after the jump.

Sleep Tight, Little Ivan Basso

Ivan Basso's senior photo

Tomorrow’s a big day, little Ivan, a real big one. You’ll be flying the Liquigas flag in this year’s running of the Liège-Bastogne-Liège, a 117-year old institution that cycling writers are still tripping all over themselves to call the Grand Maid or Dame or Whatever. It’s a long day in the saddle — 261 km — and you need your rest to notch a big win that could give you a lot of momentum heading into summer (nothing personal, Giro del Trentino).

Thanks for hitting the hay early, buddy, and letting us know via Twitter:

ivanbasso Im in liegi.. I go to sleep tomorrow LBL.

If only you were Belgian, you might actually have a shot at winning this thing.

[NOTE: since cycling is still a second-class sport in America, we're limited to a half-hour recap of the race on Versus. 3:30 EST]

[Liège wraps up classics season - VeloNews]

Post Slug

Post Slug

Racing Weekend in IC (which means rain)!

Old Capitol Crit course

This weekend should promise to be a fun one if you’re anywhere near Iowa City. The annual Iowa City Road Race and Old Capital Criterium will be held this weekend — road race on Saturday; a full day of crit racing on Sunday — which of course means scattered thunderstorms and wind forecast. But if the clouds can keep their shit together, another crop of cyclists will take their shot at (continually) sumitting the brutal Jefferson St. hill on Sunday, which, according to the elevation charts for the race, tops out at a inappropriate leg-searing 69 feet of climb.

Seriously though, the Criterium is based around a fairly challenging 1-km loop, with riders dropping down a steep Washington Street, and making a fast turn past the Iowa Memorial Union on Madison before flying back up a short but equally-steep Jefferson.  If you’re in the mood to see lots of Cat 4 and 5 riders on the ground, you’ll want to position yourself right at the bottom of Washington first thing in the morning (have the meat wagon handy). If you can stick around for a bit, the Chris Lillig Memorial Cup feature race is at 3:30 and should be damn tasty.

Speaking of tasty, weather willing, I’ll either be in front of the Union or hiding inside Zmerick’s Noodle Cafe stuffing my face carb loading. You should say hi.

[Old Capitol Crit]