URGENT PRESS RELEASE FROM THE OFFICE OF ALBERTO CONTADOR VELASCO:

7.26.09 (PARIS, FRANCE) – HOLY CRAP, EVERYONE IS GOING NUTS OVER HERE!!! OUR FRIENDS IN THE STUDY ABROAD PROGRAM SAID IT WOULD BE LIKE THIS, BUT WE DIDN’T BELIEVE IT… THE STREETS ARE FULL OF PEOPLE,  THERE’S POLICE EVERYWHERE IN RIOT GEAR, EVERYONE’S DRUNK.

WE ARE GOING TO BE RICH!

This is the best night of our lives.

Alberto would like to personally thank the Schleck brothers, who put up a hell of a fight on Mont Ventoux and made things semi-interesting. Thanks also to the fans who lined the route; their energetic cries and songs of support gave Alberto the strength to ride in Andy Schleck’s slipstream. TOACV staffer/former professional cyclist Cadel Evans was in the right place to capture this song (TOACV is in negotiations for the rights):

We’re going to Euro Disney!

[See also: Alberto Contador Will Win Tour, Make Love to You]

Yes yes, there’s still a week of racing to go – I know this. There have been many a redemption story in the Tour’s history. But did you see Contador’s assault at Verbier? According to the latest press release from TOACV, the winner of the 2009 Tour is a given; so what better time than now to begin handing out points for the coveted maillot chèvre (roughly translated as “jersey of goats”)?

Cadel Evans, Silence-Lotto (200 points)

Cadel, what happened to you, man? Ever since winning the UCI ProTour in 2007 (over Alberto, no less) and placing second in the 2007 and 2008 editions of the Tour de France, it’s been all downhill for you. Everybody — everybody – had you on the list of contenders for this year’s running, but after a disasterous TTT; a ridiculous, ill-timed attack in the 8th stage that was doomed to fail (“It turned out to be a big waste of energy,” you said afterwards); and your failure to make up any time on the first day of the Alps, you’ve been reduced to throwing pity parties attended by the international sporting press, always hungry for self-destructing athletes (“I’m so far behind in the GC that I didn’t think anyone would show up today,” you told reporters coming to visit you on the rest day).

So, congrats, Cadel! You probably won’t get anywhere close to the podium in Paris, but the maillot chèvre is firmly yours (for now; you might lose this one too).

[the rest of the goats after the jump]

Tom Boonen, Quick Step (180 points)

I didn’t even know you were in this year’s Tour until I double-checked the rosters. I thought after a big win at Paris-Roubaix you’d have something up your sleeve for the biggest cycling event in the world. Apparently not. While we all know 148th place is tougher than it looks, you went and pulled out of the Tour before the 15th stage, citing a fever. Interesting. That said, because the maillot chèvre is not an official Tour jersey (despite our persistent lobbying of the Tour organizers), you remain in the standings. Belgium has a hero today.

Carlos Sastre, Cervelo (165 points)

Seriously, Carlos — after watching you mount Mount Vesuvius at the Giro and one too many of those Cervelo documentaries/commercials, I went out on a limb and said “I wouldn’t count Sastre out of it.” I’m clearly an idiot. You’ve spent most of your Tour hidden in the peleton — which is fine, really it is — but it’s the last week of a major tour, the time when you’re supposed to shine and you’re busy displacing the blame for your lackluster performance enroute to Verbier. Take this excerpt from VeloNews:

“I think it’s disrespectful, as defending champion, to always be faced with questions about Lance Armstrong and Alberto Contador,” said Sastre. “For months you’ve been creating a rivalry between Armstrong and Contador, and now that the race has become boring and there’s nothing more to write about you turn to me and expect me to do something … but I’m not a box of magic tricks.”

My thoughts exactly — most boxes of magic tricks aren’t in 11th place.

Lance Armstrong, Astana (125 points)

While this one might surprise some people, the speed with which Lance Armstrong has rolled over to cede leadership to Alberto Contador earned him a fast 125 points within the last two days. Spanish newspapers are busy declaring “the end of Armstrong,” Contador is now sleeping like a baby and you’re stuck making terrible statements to the media like, “There is no point messing around. I gave everything I had and I wasn’t the best.” WHAT?!?!

You were once the ruler of the peloton; now you’re stuck shuttling water bottles up to a Spaniard. Even worse, what will all of the American sporting outlets do when they realize that no one really gives a fuck about the Tour if you’re not in the running? Take it from Michael Jordan: retirement isn’t the worst thing in the world.

Tie: Craig Hummer/Frankie Andreu, Versus (95 points)

I am aware that you are not in the race, but your commentary is consistently asinine. I am happy to bestow 95 honorary points.

BRITT’S BONUS, SOMEWHAT RELATED CLIP OF THE DAY:

In case you don’t hate goats enough. Cadel, you wish your balls were this big.

The first day of RAGBRAI saw fainting goats, kilts and a traveling bachelorette party (“Occasionally it gets in my face,” sayeth the almost-bride.) What’s next for day two — Miss Iowa playing a fiddle on the courthouse steps in a meager attempt to entertain the troops? Oh, really? Wow, that was a total shot in the dark.

[The Official RAGBRAI Site]

PRESS RELEASE FROM THE OFFICE OF ALBERTO CONTADOR VELASCO:

7.20.09 (VERBIER, SWITZERLAND) – The Office of Alberto Contador Velasco (TOACV) is proud to announce that the world’s strongest cyclist and UCI ProTeam Astana leader, Alberto Contador, has won Stage 15 of the 2009 Tour de France, a demanding mountain top finish in the Swiss ski town of Verbier. Contador is very much excited for his second Tour de France victory, to be celebrated on the Champs-Élysées on Sunday, July 26th, and would like to invite you and a guest to attend (please consider using mass transit, as parking will be limited).

Contador launched a brilliant attack with only 5 km to go and launched away from a group of riders including the Schleck brothers of Saxo Bank and Garmin’s Vande Velde. He quickly distanced himself from the chase group and was pleased to win the stage 43 seconds ahead of his closest competitor. The win has placed Contador firmly in the maillot jaune, and he looks forward to getting it framed at an expensive Swiss frame shop during the Monday rest day.

TOACV would also like to quickly salute Contador’s teammates, who made the Stage 15 victory possible.  Special thanks go to head domestique, Lance Armstrong, who gave a valiant effort on the slopes of Verbier and provided Contador with the perfect launching pad for his genius attack.

Even though he would go on to collapse under the weight of America’s sporting expectations and had to be escorted to the summit by teammate Andreas Klöden, Armstrong’s not-entirely-voluntary sacrifice made Contador’s victory a reality. ¡Gracias!

Thanks also to Johan Bruyneel, who allowed Contador to listen to his Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows audiobook through his radio during the climb. Contador may also take time on his rest day to see the new movie, which is receiving positive reviews, although it depends if he can find someone to go with him (Levi Leipheimer was his Tour Potter buddy and – fun fact! – has read the entire series three times).

Next up is Tuesday’s Stage 16, a 159 km mountain stage moving from Switzerland to Italy to France. Two massive climbs, the Col du Grand-Saint-Bernard (Cat H, 24.4 km climb to 6.2%) and the Col du Petit-Saint-Bernard (Cat 1, 22.6 km climb to 5.1%), will give contenders plenty of opportunities for attack, but Contador has been assured by a squad of Spanish clergy and tarot readers that the yellow jersey will remain his.

TOACV would like to thank you for your time and support during this year’s Tour de France — we know it’s been a busy summer — and Alberto Contador looks forward to seeing you in the crowd from the top podium position in Paris.

###

[see also: Alberto Contador Will Win Tour, Make Love to You]

But general fashion concerns aside, there’s the question of what to get in the first place. I feel like I should say something here like, “picking the right cap says a lot about a person,” but that would insinuate that I actually know. Personally, I’ve always loved the racing style of pro team caps, but would feel like a poseur pulling up at the local club ride and pretending that my fat ass just got back from Milram training camp.

[Note: looking cool and being a poseur are two related but theoretically distinct concerns in the fashion world.]

That said, my sources do tell me that retro/vintage team caps are now acceptable, thanks to the latest innovations in ironic fashion. I’m leaning towards a classic Team BiC cap to pay tribute to Luis Ocaña, or the retro Reynolds model to channel Big Mig, but there are a wide variety of classic, extinct team caps to choose from that should keep you out of the poseur police’s crosshairs.

If you’d prefer to sidestep the delicate business of declaring your loyalties with your head, Cognition Caps out of Madison, Wisconsin is producing a solid line of handmade cycling caps, including the smooth Chitown tribute shown above; coming in at $24, they won’t break the bank either.

The Tan Hemp Cap from Walz

Walz Cycling Caps have also been garnering a lot of positive press on the intertubes and in the mainstream mags, and offer a line of “eco-friendly” hemp and organic wool caps that look especially sweet. And just in time for the Tour de France, Australia’s Rocket Fuel has a line of jersey-themed caps made from “a mix of recycled, reused, vintage and new materials,” whatever that happens to mean.

If you’re truly handy with thread and needle, you can even craft your own with help from this pattern from Flickr user Panda Face [via Bike Hacks.com]. If you get really good at it, you might even be able to start your own boutique line; unfortunately for me, I sewed my hands together in Home Economics with a beefy Husqvarna Viking Sapphire 855, and have been a little gunshy ever since.

That should be enough to blow your next paycheck. Got any other hot custom cap companies? Leave them in the comments, so the rest of us can cop your smooth style.

Finally, some Lance Armstrong promo copy that’s sharp like a sword.

[YouTube]

As the Tour de France finishes up its first week and looks to the mountains, Lance Armstrong finds himself in a virtual second behind Fabian Cancellara and de facto leader of supergroup Astana (imagine Jay-Zr, Dr. Dre and and Ghostface with the Roots Crew…). After a rain-drenched Stage 6 to Barcelona that put many a rider on their ass, energy in the peleton is low and morale is lower. Armstrong sent this quick note from his Barcelona massage suite:

Good work, everyone, real good work. I know it’s been a tough week; that last stage was especially torturous, and there’s a lot of guys walking around all banged up (no one from Astana, of course). I just want to say as we look forward to 3 long days in the Pyrénées, let’s keep it together, okay? It’s our first real test in the mountains, and the beyond-categorization Arcalis summit will probably make a few of you shit your pants. No joke — I’ve seen it happen before, and I know it will happen again. And that kind of thing takes its toll on a man after a few days of thigh-searing climbs.

So let’s all make a mental note to think positive thoughts. You’ll probably look up at the front and see me and Alberto and Levi and Klodi leading everything, locking down any break aways, launching attacks just when you think you’re going to lose it all over the asphalt, and you’ll think to yourself, “What the hell am I doing here?? I’ll never beat these guys.” Those legs will suddenly start feeling like they’re made of the same heavy carbon that your bike is, instead of the space age Lancium ours are (it’s actually a top secret DoD project, and as a result, I can’t say much more about it). You’ll probably just want to throw that bike down and sob before the rabid fans tear you to pieces.

Well, don’t give in — don’t give into it! You’ve worked hard and trained your entire life to be on this mountain side with us, and I’ll be damned if my perfection is going to discourage someone from getting on two wheels and living the dream. There are only a few athletes like me in every generation — unfortunately for you, I just happened to settle on cycling. And even though I’m actually coming back from a 4-year retirement, you can’t let that get in your head, because it will just drive you crazy. Trust me, I felt what you’re feeling as I battled Jan Ullrich enroute to my 5th Tour win.

Perhaps I can say it best with a bit of work from my back catalog:

Live strong, and we’ll see you on the top. Behind us, obviously.

(Dictated not read, la/hz)

[Arcalis Will Answer Many Questions - VeloNews]

Poor Denis Menchov just can’t seem to stay on his bike — maybe it’s his tires, maybe it’s his handling skills, or maybe he just loves the salty grit of pavement. Although the international cycling press lacks the cobbles to ask him which one it truly is, I suspect it’s the last one. After all, why would you lose your concentration and hit the deck during an important Stage 4 team time trial — one in which you’re fighting to keep time against powerhouse teams like Astana and Saxo Bank — unless you absolutely love the taste of French asphalt?

And think back to a month and a half ago, as Menchov was finishing up his final TT through the streets of Rome, enroute to his first Giro d’Italia win:

Sure, it was a little rainy and Menchov was on his TT bike, but have you ever had authentic Italian road?

[the rest of the highlights and bonus hilarity after the jump]

Of course, 2009 isn’t the first year Menchov got into road diving. Here’s a marvelous excerpt from the 2008 Tour de France, where the allure of Prato Nevoso asphalt proved to be too much to resist:

To be fair, the Russian killer wasn’t the only one having trouble on the technical Stage 4 TTT today; Alessandro Ballan of Lampre ate it in the same corner, and Silence-Lotto rider Jurgen Vandenbroeck went down in another stretch of road, along with Cadel Evans’ GC hopes. But the Stage 4 blooper reel wouldn’t be complete without the wacky antics of Bbox Bougyues Telecom, which lost no less than four riders around a tight corner!

If only someone could sync that video to “Wacky Sax“…

[Astana Steamrolls Team Time Trial - VeloNews]

Someone get Usain Bolt and Bill Curtis on the horn: according to every Versus commentator (including the mind numbing team of  Craig Hummer and Bob Roll), Mark Cavendish is now apparently the “fastest man in the world,” following powerful sprint wins of Tour stages 2 and 3. In both cases, Cavendish beat the strongest sprinters in the world by at least a bike length, and he even had time at the end of his Stage 3 win to further immasculate a tapped Thor Hushovd (Cervelo) by placing a call on his mobile to Thor’s girlfriend.

That said, even the fastest man in the world can’t do it alone, and Cavendish owes both Columbia-HTC teammates George Hincapie and Mark Renshaw a few beers for some of the best sprint lead-outs I’ve ever seen (“Again, [Renshaw's] showed he’s the best lead-out man in the business,” said Cavendish after Stage 3). While it’s still very early in the race, Columbia-HTC have proven their ability to control the pack all the way to the end of a stage, and an uncanny ability for launching the Manx Missile at precisely the right moment (referring to Cavendish, not his penis).

Of course, none of this should really be surprising, considering the fastest man in the world is taking his marching orders from a brilliant Tour staple of the past:

Cavendish also praised Columbia sprint coach Erik Zabel, calling him “the most consistent rider of the last generation” and crediting his victory at Milan-San Remo to the German who wore the Tour’s green jersey for six consecutive years during 1996-2001.

“I just turned 24, I’ve won some races, but if I can combine my sprint with Erik’s consistence and experience. … We work so well together. There’s a great alchemy.”

Cavendish needs three more stage wins to tie the current British record of 8, held by Barry Hoban.

[see the Stage 2 finish after the jump]

And now the final kilometers of Stage 2 of the 2009 Tour de France — pardon the Dutch [or is Danish?].

[Cav Crushes in Stage 3 - VeloNews]

The ironic thing is that professional cycling is full of individual heroics, but the fact that it comes in rarer flashes, after hours of riding in a tightly compressed, seemingly anonymous pack, leaves many people bored as hell. A person can only ask “Where’s Lance?” so many times before flipping over to the baseball game for good, where there are only two teams and pronouncable names on the back of each jersey.

In an effort to counter boredom-by-confusion, Bike Scene proudly presents a visual reference of all the teams competing in the 2009 Tour de France, so you can easily follow the teams and know who you’re yelling at.

[the complete list after the jump]

The list includes jersey numbers and rider nationality, as found on VeloNews. Asterisks have been placed next to the names of the team leaders, expected GC contenders or riders to watch. Without further adieu:

Ag2r-La Mondiale (France)

Manager: Vincent LAVENU

81. Vladimir Efimkin (RUS)

82. Jose Luis Arrieta (ESP)

83. Cyril Dessel (FRA)

84. Hubert Dupont (FRA)

85. Stéphane Goubert (FRA)

86. Lloyd Mondory (FRA)

87. Rinaldo Nocentini (ITA)

88. Christophe Riblon (FRA)

89. Nicolas Roche (IRL)

www.ag2r-cyclisme.com

Agritubel (France)

Manager: David FORNES

171. Christophe Moreau (FRA)*

172. Maxime Bouet (FRA)

173. Sylvain Calzati (FRA)

174. Brice Feillu (FRA)

175. Romain Feillu (FRA)

176. Eduardo Gonzalo (ESP)

177. David Le Lay (FRA)

178. Geoffroy Lequatre (FRA)

179. Nicolas Vogondy (FRA)

www.agritubel-cycling.com

Astana (Kazakhstan)

Manager: Johan BRUYNEEL

21. Alberto Contador (ESP)*

22. Lance Armstrong (USA)*

23. Andreas Klöden (GER)

24. Levi Leipheimer (USA)*

25. Dmitriy Muravyev (KAZ)

26. Sergio Paulinho (POR)

27. Yaroslav Popovych (UKR)

28. Gregory Rast (SUI)

29. Haimar Zubeldia (ESP)

www.astana-cyclingteam.com

Bbox Bouygues Telecom (France)

Manager: Jean-René BERNAUDEAU

141. Thomas Voeckler (FRA)*

142. Yukiya Arashiro (JPN)

143. William Bonnet (FRA)

144. Pierrick Fédrigo (FRA)

145. Saîd Haddou (FRA)

146. Laurent Lefvre (FRA)

147. Alexandre Pichot (FRA)

148. Pierre Rolland (FRA)

149. Yury Trofimov (RUS)

www.equipebouyguestelecom.fr

Caisse D’Epargne (Spain)

Manager: José-Miguel ECHAVARRI

111. Oscar Pereiro (ESP)*

112. David Arroyo (ESP)

113. Rui Costa (POR)

114. Arnaud Coyot (FRA)

115. Ivan Gutierrez (ESP)

116. Luis Pasamontes (ESP)

117. José Joaquin Rojas (ESP)

118. Luis Leon Sanchez (ESP)

119. Rigoberto Uran (COL)

www.cyclisme-caisse-epargne.fr

Cervelo TestTeam (Switzerland)

Manager: Theo MAUCHER

1. Carlos Sastre (ESP)*

2. Inigo Cuesta (ESP)

3. José Angel Gomez Marchante (ESP)

4. Volodymyr Gustov (UKR)

5. Heinrich Haussler (GER)

6. Thor Hushovd (NOR)

7. Andreas Klier (GER)

8. Brett Lancaster (AUS)

9. Hayden Roulston (NZL)

www.cervelo.com

Cofidis, Le Credit En Ligne (France)

Manager: Éric BOYER

121. David Moncoutié (FRA)*

122. Stéphane Augé (FRA)

123. Samuel Dumoulin (FRA)

124. Leonardo Duque (COL)

125. Bingen Fernandez (ESP)

126. Christophe Kern (FRA)

127. Sébastien Minard (FRA)

128. Ama‘l Moinard (FRA)

129. Rémi Pauriol (FRA)

www.equipe-cofidis.com

Euskaltel-Euskadi (Spain)

Manager: Miguel MADARIAGA

61. Mikel Astarloza (ESP)*

62. Igor Anton (ESP)

63. Koldo Fernandez (ESP)

64. Egoi Martinez (ESP)

65. Juan José Oroz (ESP)

66. Alan Pérez (ESP)

67. Ruben Pérez (ESP)

68. Amets Txurruka (ESP)

69. Gorka Verdugo (ESP)

www.fundacioneuskadi.com

Francaise Des Jeux (France)

Manager: Marc MADIOT

101. Sandy Casar (FRA)*

102. Jérôme Coppel (FRA)

103. Anthony Geslin (FRA)

104. Yauheni Hutarovitch (BLR)

105. Sébastien Joly (FRA)

106. Christophe Le Mével (FRA)

107. Jérémy Roy (FRA)

108. Benoît Vaugrenard (FRA)

109. Jussi Veikkanen (FIN)

www.fdjeux.com

Garmin-Slipstream (United States)

Manager: Jonathan VAUGHTERS

51. Christian Vande Velde (USA)*

52. Julian Dean (NZL)

53. Tyler Farrar (USA)*

54. Ryder Hesjedal (CAN)

55. Martijn Maaskant (NED)

56. David Millar (GBR)*

57. Danny Pate (USA)

58. Bradley Wiggins (GBR)

59. David Zabriskie (USA)

www.slipstreamsports.com

Lampre – N.G.C. (Italy)

Manager: Fabrizio Bontempi

131. Alessandro Ballan (ITA)*

132. Marco Bandiera (ITA)

133. Marzio Bruseghin (ITA)

134. Angelo Furlan (ITA)

135. David Loosli (SUI)

136. Daniele Righi (ITA)

137. Mauro Santambrogio (ITA)

138. Marcin Sapa (POL)

139. Simon Spilak (SLO)

www.lampre-ngc.com

Liquigas (Italy)

Manager: Roberto, AMADIO – VeloNews article

91. Franco Pellizotti (ITA)

92. Daniele Bennati (ITA)

93. Roman Kreuziger (CZE)*

94. Aliaksandr Kuschynski (BLR)

95. Vincenzo Nibali (ITA)*

96. Fabio Sabatini (ITA)

97. Brian Vandborg (DEN)

98. Alessandro Vanotti (ITA)

99. Frederik Willems (BEL)

www.teamliquigas.it

Quick Step (Belgium)

Manager: Patrick LEFÉVÈRE

151. Sylvain Chavanel (FRA)

152. Carlos Barredo (ESP)

153. Allan Davis (AUS)

154. Steven De Jongh (NED)

155. Stijn Devolder (BEL)

156. Jérôme Pineau (FRA)

157. Sébastien Rosseler (BEL)

158. Matteo Tosatto (ITA)

159. Jurgen Van De Walle (BEL)

www.qsi-cycling.com

Rabobank (Netherlands)

Manager: Harold KNEBEL

41. Denis Menchov (RUS)*

42. Stef Clement (NED)

43. Juan Antonio Flecha (ESP)

44. Oscar Freire (ESP)

45. Juan Manuel Garate (ESP)

46. Robert Gesink (NED)

47. Grischa Niermann (GER)

48. Joost Posthuma (NED)

49. Laurens ten Dam (NED)

www.rabosport.nl

Silence-Lotto (Belgium)

Manager: Marc SERGEANT

11. Cadel Evans (AUS)*

12. Micka‘l Delage (FRA)

13. Sebastian Lang (GER)

14. Matthew Lloyd (AUS)

15. Staf Scheirlinckx (BEL)

16. Greg Van Avermaet (BEL)

17. Jurgen Van den Broeck (BEL)

18. Johan Vansummeren (BEL)

19. Charles Wegelius (GBR)

www.silence-lotto.com

Skil-Shimano (Netherlands)

Manager: Iwan SPEKENBRINK

191. Cyril Lemoine (FRA)

192. Fumiyuki Beppu (JPN)

193. Koen De Kort (NED)

194. Simon Geschke (GER)

195. Jonathan Hivert (FRA)

196. Thierry Hupond (FRA)

197. Piet Rooijakkers (NED)

198. Albert Timmer (NED)

199. Kenny van Hummel (NED)

www.professionalcyclingteam.com

Team Columbia-Highroad (United States)

Manager: Bob STAPLETON

71. Mark Cavendish (GBR)*

72. Bernhard Eisel (AUT)

73. Bert Grabsch (GER)

74. George Hincapie (USA)

75. Kim Kirchen (LUX)*

76. Tony Martin (GER)

77. Maxime Monfort (BEL)*

78. Mark Renshaw (AUS)

79. Michael Rogers (AUS)*

www.highroadsports.com

Team Katusha (Russia)

Manager: Stefano FELTRIN

161. Vladimir Karpets (RUS)*

162. Alexandre Botcharov (RUS)

163. Joan Horrach (ESP)

164. Mikhail Ignatiev (RUS)

165. Serguei Ivanov (RUS)

166. Danilo Napolitano (ITA)

167. Filippo Pozzato (ITA)*

168. Nikolai Trusov (RUS)

169. Stijn Vandenbergh (BEL)

www.katushateam.com

Team Milram (Germany)

Manager: Gerry VAN GERWEN

181. Linus Gerdemann (GER)*

182. Gerald Ciolek (GER)*

183. Markus Fothen (GER)

184. Johannes Frøhlinger (GER)

185. Christian Knees (GER)

186. Niki Terpstra (NED)

187. Peter Velits (SVK)

188. Fabian Wegmann (GER)

189. Peter Wrolich (AUT)

www.team-milram.com

Team Saxo Bank (Denmark)

Manager: Bjarne RIIS

31. Andy Schleck (LUX)*

32. Kurt-Asle Arvesen (NOR)

33. Fabian Cancellara (SUI)

34. Gustav Larsson (SWE)

35. Stuart O’Grady (AUS)

36. Frank Schleck (LUX)*

37. Chris Sørensen (DEN)

38. Nicki Sørensen (DEN)

39. Jens Voigt (GER)

www.riis-cycling.com

[2009 Tour de France Start List - VeloNews]