20
Mar
09

And Now, A Brief Word from Lance Armstrong

On the eve of Lance’s first European race (Milan-San Remo) since his retirement in 2005, expectations are high. But on Friday, Lance worked to tamp down the excitement, insisting that there are “no guarantees” that he’ll take an eighth Tour title in July. Shortly thereafter, Lance sent us this letter to clarify the statement.

Okay, okay, so I said that there were no guarantees that I would be standing on the podium at the end of the Tour, but I said it to a fucking cycling reporter — a cycling reporter — I mean, Christ, those still exist four years after I retired? What’s there to report when the single greatest rider of all time hangs it up and starts dating Sheryl Crow? And Kate Hudson. And Ashley Olsen (and, remember, I only have one nut).

And, okay, so even though it turns out that guy was a cycling reporter, I figured, it’s the middle of fucking March — aren’t people busy screaming at a bar television and spilling stale PBR all over their office brackets? You honestly thought Utah State would beat Marquette?  You pathetic piece of shit — I don’t even watch basketball and I knew that. Christ, Alberto Contador’s bracket is better than yours, and he doesn’t even speak English.

So I said it, and there’s some truth to it. I’m no spring chicken, doing Sheryl Crow and Kate Hudson and Ashley Olsen after all those ESPN parties; I’m getting old, and I’ve been off this damn bike way too long. It’s true. But here’s what I should have said.

Lance Armstrong is back, and he is going to kick everybody’s ass the same way he did for seven years in a row. And get this down: I plan on doing the same thing I’ve always done — kicking back until we get to the mountains, where I’ll grab Carlos Sastre or Bernhard Kohl or whoever is trying to keep up with me by the balls and tell them to knock it the fuck off. And a few days later I’ll be standing on the podium in the middle of Paris, wearing that yellow jersey and drinking champagne — have you ever even had fucking real champagne? — with two gorgeous women who want nothing more than to get into my spandex.

That’s what I should have said. But I didn’t, so stop fucking twittering me about it.

[Armstrong: “No Guarantees” To Win Tour Again — via VeloNews]

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