21
Jul
09

The Tour de France Goat Jersey Standings (as of Stage 15)

dagoatAs the Tour de France rests its weary bones before a final, brutal week of alpine stages and time trials, it’s time to take a look back at the riders that have thoroughly disappointed me thus far. Consider this Festivus come early.

Yes yes, there’s still a week of racing to go – I know this. There have been many a redemption story in the Tour’s history. But did you see Contador’s assault at Verbier? According to the latest press release from TOACV, the winner of the 2009 Tour is a given; so what better time than now to begin handing out points for the coveted maillot chèvre (roughly translated as “jersey of goats”)?

Cadel Evans, Silence-Lotto (200 points)

Cadel, what happened to you, man? Ever since winning the UCI ProTour in 2007 (over Alberto, no less) and placing second in the 2007 and 2008 editions of the Tour de France, it’s been all downhill for you. Everybody — everybody — had you on the list of contenders for this year’s running, but after a disasterous TTT; a ridiculous, ill-timed attack in the 8th stage that was doomed to fail (“It turned out to be a big waste of energy,” you said afterwards); and your failure to make up any time on the first day of the Alps, you’ve been reduced to throwing pity parties attended by the international sporting press, always hungry for self-destructing athletes (“I’m so far behind in the GC that I didn’t think anyone would show up today,” you told reporters coming to visit you on the rest day).

So, congrats, Cadel! You probably won’t get anywhere close to the podium in Paris, but the maillot chèvre is firmly yours (for now; you might lose this one too).

[the rest of the goats after the jump]

Tom Boonen, Quick Step (180 points)

I didn’t even know you were in this year’s Tour until I double-checked the rosters. I thought after a big win at Paris-Roubaix you’d have something up your sleeve for the biggest cycling event in the world. Apparently not. While we all know 148th place is tougher than it looks, you went and pulled out of the Tour before the 15th stage, citing a fever. Interesting. That said, because the maillot chèvre is not an official Tour jersey (despite our persistent lobbying of the Tour organizers), you remain in the standings. Belgium has a hero today.

Carlos Sastre, Cervelo (165 points)

Seriously, Carlos — after watching you mount Mount Vesuvius at the Giro and one too many of those Cervelo documentaries/commercials, I went out on a limb and said “I wouldn’t count Sastre out of it.” I’m clearly an idiot. You’ve spent most of your Tour hidden in the peleton — which is fine, really it is — but it’s the last week of a major tour, the time when you’re supposed to shine and you’re busy displacing the blame for your lackluster performance enroute to Verbier. Take this excerpt from VeloNews:

“I think it’s disrespectful, as defending champion, to always be faced with questions about Lance Armstrong and Alberto Contador,” said Sastre. “For months you’ve been creating a rivalry between Armstrong and Contador, and now that the race has become boring and there’s nothing more to write about you turn to me and expect me to do something … but I’m not a box of magic tricks.”

My thoughts exactly — most boxes of magic tricks aren’t in 11th place.

Lance Armstrong, Astana (125 points)

While this one might surprise some people, the speed with which Lance Armstrong has rolled over to cede leadership to Alberto Contador earned him a fast 125 points within the last two days. Spanish newspapers are busy declaring “the end of Armstrong,” Contador is now sleeping like a baby and you’re stuck making terrible statements to the media like, “There is no point messing around. I gave everything I had and I wasn’t the best.” WHAT?!?!

You were once the ruler of the peloton; now you’re stuck shuttling water bottles up to a Spaniard. Even worse, what will all of the American sporting outlets do when they realize that no one really gives a fuck about the Tour if you’re not in the running? Take it from Michael Jordan: retirement isn’t the worst thing in the world.

Tie: Craig Hummer/Frankie Andreu, Versus (95 points)

I am aware that you are not in the race, but your commentary is consistently asinine. I am happy to bestow 95 honorary points.

BRITT’S BONUS, SOMEWHAT RELATED CLIP OF THE DAY:

In case you don’t hate goats enough. Cadel, you wish your balls were this big.

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1 Response to “The Tour de France Goat Jersey Standings (as of Stage 15)”


  1. 1 britt
    July 24, 2009 at 2:09 am

    mahahahaha


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