Excuse Our Mess…

If you actually read this blog, you’ve probably noticed the look changing a bit. I’m just trying to find a WordPress theme I feel comfortable in. We’ll probably continue to experiment until something blows me away — if you have any preferences, please leave it in the comments.

Versus Network Really Wants You to Catch the Race

Versus has released their programming schedule for the Tour de France and, as has generally been true of years past, you’ll have to make a concerted effort to actually miss the race.

Much to the disappointment of hockey nuts and bull riding afficionados everywhere, Versus will turn into the Tour de France network come July 4th, with live coverage in the morning followed by race replays all day and extended primetime coverage in the evening — according to the network, it will average out to about 13 hours of Tour coverage each day… in HD, no less.

A sample day of coverage, taken from the official Versus television schedule:

Stage 13: Friday, July 17, 2009
Vittel – Colmar
8:30am to 11:30am: LIVE Daily Coverage
12:00pm to 2:00pm: Race Action Replay
2:30pm to 4:30pm: Race Action Replay
5:00pm to 7:00pm: Race Action Replay
8:00pm to 11:00pm: Expanded Primetime Coverage
12:00am to 3:00am: Race Action Replay

I don’t mean to complain, but really, Versus, how do you expect me to get any work done with a schedule like that?? At least the Cubs aren’t worth watching anymore, so that’ll free up a good 3 hours a day.

[Tour de France TV Schedule – Versus]

LightLane, You Are a Treat

This comes in at an opportune time. I had just watched Who Killed the Electric Car, and was contemplating a rambling, incoherent response of told-you-sos and policy arguments directed to the American people, dropped into the vast nothingness of the internet. I was feeling a little abused under the man (1,2), and was going to start demanding things to soothe my populist rage.

Forget cars altogether — I wanted millions of dollars directed towards improvements to our cities and infrastructure to make them more bike friendly. You know, bike lanes, trails and facilties — all stuff to encourage trips by bike; maybe a even a modest tax credit? And that probably also would involve some sort of public relations/hearts-and-minds campaign. But we’d get bikes on the road, and we’d watch in awe and giddy amazement as the pounds dropped off the American public and our lungs cleared up. We would transform ourselves!

And then I laughed for what must have been a good half hour — the audacity! But don’t give up just yet — LightLane gives users a personal traveling bike lane, so you can sidestep your local government altogether.

[photo and video after the jump]

The Countdown Begins: 10 Days to Le Tour

It’s officially ten days until the 96th Tour de France blasts off in Monaco, and things are strangely quiet. Even with national championships going on, there’s not much news hitting the wires; the best (and most cliche) way to describe it is as the calm before the storm. And you’d better believe it’s coming. The multitude of Lance-centric storylines in this year’s Tour (the “don’t-call-it-a” comeback, Lance vs. Levi vs. Alberto) will have every media outlet on the planet gushing over the stage results as if they actually watched it — have you ever seen cycling recaps on CNN, or the local news, for christ’s sake? Take this moment to mentally prepare yourself for all of the “So how’s Lance doing???” questions you’ll field in the next month.

Something to keep in mind: even a seven-time champion needs Lady Luck to win the Tour de France, and anything can happen over 2,000 miles (3,500 km) of racing. Lance will have his hands full dueling with longtime wingman Levi Leipheimer and ’07 champion Alberto Contador; meanwhile, strong contenders like defending champ Carlos Sastre and Denis Menchov will give the Texan a serious ride for his money. Expect fireworks, feuds and flameouts (not necessarily in that order). I wouldn’t count Sastre out of it.

I’ll be updating throughout the next ten days with a variety of pre-Tour stuff to get your appetite primed. Stay tuned.

[2009 Tour de France]

Bike Dreams: Yeti AS-R Alloy

A frank admission: I swore off mountain bikes years ago.

That may seem a tad severe, but I’ve had my heart broken, you see. I’ve spent a ton of money on mountain bikes, only to have them ganked or crippled (2.5 of them, so far) way before their time. And to be perfectly frank, we were never a good match. While I loved gliding over narrow singletrack with the forest whizzing past only inches away, every root and stump and rut seemed to leave me on my back, looking up at the canopy and wondering if I had finally managed to break something. Bunny hops, j-hops, wheelies, nose grabs, tyre spins and all other manner of dangerous sounding maneuvers perpetually eluded me on the trail (the common endo excluded). I looked absolutely ridiculous in the wild, and absolutely overdone in the city.

After my Gary Fisher’s fork was stolen — in broad daylight, no less — I promised myself that I would never go through the heartbreak again. Yeti’s AS-R Alloy proves just how easily we forget.

[More pics after the jump]

Valverde Wins 2nd Dauphine Libere, Sets TiVo for Tour

Valverde and Contador, seconds before a passionate kiss

Even though I’ve found myself in a bit of a post-Giro, pre-Tour funk, I pulled it together long enough to listen to Paul Liggett’s smooth baritone over the final stage of the 8-day Dauphine Libere (aired on Versus), a mountainous race run through parts of the French Alps that I have no chance in hell of pronouncing correctly.

After fighting off repeated attacks from Cadel Evans on the final climb of the race, the Col de Saint-Bernard du Touvet (see?), Spanish rider/alleged doper/likely douche Alejandro Valverde won his second straight Dauphine Libere, besting Evans and Alberto Contador, both contenders for the yellow jersey in a few weeks. He joins Lance Armstrong in the record books as the second rider to win the Dauphine Libere two years in row; this is also his sixth win of the season, including the Points and Mountains classifications at the Castilla y Leon (where Armstrong once again managed to steal the headlines).

The bad news is that Valverde likely won’t be able to challenge for the yellow jersey at the Tour, as the Italian Olympic Committee (CONI) recently slapped him with a two-year racing ban in Italy for doping, and the Tour de France finds itself in Italy for a mere 60 km during Stage 16 (he has appealed the decision, but there’s no word if it will be resolved before the start of the Tour). The good news is that he’ll have plenty of time to use his Iron Gym (GET BETTER COMMERCIALS, VERSUS) in preparation for the Vuelta in the fall.

[the winner’s interview after the jump]

Always A Great Ripoff (or: Why I Won’t Be Shopping at Nashbar Again)

Do you remember this guy?

old school Cannondale R300

It’s turned into one of my favorite bikes in the stable, and one of the many rides I’ve built upon the back of a little mail order/internet warehouse known as Bike Nashbar. And why not? As much as I love my LBS, saving money has always been a priority for this poor writer, and ordering online through Nashbar brought me both the best price and the most convenience on everything from seat posts to cassettes. Over the past 5 years, I’ve plausibly spent hundreds, if not close to thousands, on the website, and until now I’ve had no complaints whatsoever.

Did I mention, that is, until now?

[credit fraud after the jump]

Denis Menchov: Cyclist. Giro Winner. Badass.

Even though we spent our Saturday evening enjoying 40 ounce bottles of a peculiar malt liquor known simply as Laser [hint: watch the video to discover why you’ve always hated UFC], I somehow followed through with my drunken threats to wake at 7:30 in the morning to watch the final time trial of the Giro d’Italia live.

Although Denis Menchov of the Rabobank squad was widely expected to win the Giro after his continual leashing of 2nd place rider Danilo Di Luca in the last week of the race — whenever Di Luca attacked in an attempt to shave Menchov’s 20-second advantage, Menchov remained on his rear wheel like a tick on a dog — international sporting events rarely go down that smoothly. And although it’s very possible that it was the leftover pepperoni rolls or the malted barley remnants, I had a feeling in my stomach that Di Luca might get the last laugh. It was the same feeling I had before Super Bowl XLII (Giants/Pats) and before 2007’s NCAA Football title game smackdown (Gators/Buckeyes), so I assumed the Italian still had a chance.

And thatwill be the last time I underestimate the Russians.

[what happened after the jump]

Carlos Versus the Volcano

What a crazy, up-and-down couple of weeks it has been for you, Carlos Sastre.

Despite being diagnosed with an incurable “brain cloud” by Dr. Ellison and having 5 months to live, you’ve finally found the huevos to quit that terrible bank job and ask Meg Ryan out.  You even won a big Stage 16 in the Giro d’Italia, kicking Ivan Basso’s ass up the side of Monte Petrano and launching yourself into a possible GC spot after weeks of anonymous safety in the peloton. Things were finally starting to look up.

But now you’ve really gone and done it, Carlos. You’ve pissed off the volcanic gods with your incredible win on Stage 19’s climb up the side of Mount Vesuvius, a dormant monster that buried Pompeii in 79 AD. They were totally pulling for Danilo Di Luca, and now you’re a marked man for making the Italian look like a fool trying to outrun Denis Menchov as you raced ahead.

So what now? Well, Lloyd Bridges wants to pay you to jump into the heart of the volcano inhabiting his island (Waponi Woo) for untold riches, while the natives want to throw you in for free. Meg Ryan is already screentesting for her next romantic comedy, and to top it off, you’re still not looking at a GC finish unless the top 3 eat pavement on the final time trial in the streets of Rome. What’s a Spaniard to do??

Perhaps at this point, it’s best to just remember the good times. While you’re deciding on whether to jump, we’ll be watching Beyond the Peloton, an incredibly well-produced HD documentary about the very first racing season of Cervélo TestTeam. And missing your smile, of course.

[Volcanic Victory for Sastre at the Giro – VeloNews]

You Can’t Resist It (it’s MonkeyLectric!)

Riding at night has always been something of a compromise between safety and style. You can deck yourself out in reflectors and high-visibility blinking LEDs and even your bright orange hunting/safety vest, or you can play the odds and have a chance at still having drinking companions once you arrive at the bar. I always make sure to ride with a headlight and tail light, but after a recent spate of cycling accidents at night involving riders using blinking lights (including one with a Iowa official; no charges filed against the driver), I find myself wondering if it’s enough. What if you turned your ride into something that drivers couldn’t help but see?

Introducing… MonkeyLectric!!!!!1

Built by Dan Goldwater, a former MIT scientist and apparent disco playboy, the Monkey Light is the safety solution of my dreams. Thanks to 32 full-color LEDs and the persistence of vision, this thing is capable of creating 9 distinct, full color patterns at speeds over 10 mph. So now, at least you can look good as you beef it over that car’s hood.

[more video and a professional review after the jump]

Another Word from Lance: What the Hell is Going On???

If you haven’t already heard, Lance Armstrong is racing in this month’s centenary Giro d’Italia, and as of Monday’s mountainous Stage 16, is in 12th place overall. It’s been a tough few weeks for the cyclist and his team, and although he has begun enforcing a sort of personal media blackout — Armstrong has begun bypassing journalists waiting for him after each stage and heading directly to the team bus or hotel — he was kind enough to send us this dispatch.

Here’s the thing: I thought this whole Giro thing would be a great way to get back in shape for the tour and log some miles on the Italian coast. It’d be good on-the-job training since that asshole tripped me up at the Castilla y Leon (which would be a great name for an indie band, by the way) and I broke my collarbone. The way Johan [Bruyneel, Astana team manager] described it, this would just be a pleasure spin around Rome — he literally said to me, “Lance, the goddamn Pope will be waving to you out his window.” The goddamn Pope.

[more Lance after the jump.]

Bike Dreams: Felt Curbside

For all of my empty attempts at wearing low-cut denim or smoking American Spirit cancer sticks, I’ve finally come to the realization that I’m simply not cut out for the hipster lifestyle. I don’t especially like Pitchfork (anymore) and I never really got Animal Collective. I thought The Science of Sleep was two stars at best. About the only thing I have to offer is a healthy sense of snark, but alas, even that is starting to look so last year.

But maybe there’s still hope — between NPR and Felt’s cool-but-not-too-cool Curbside fixie, I might just be able to get back into the scene. BOOYAH!…I mean…uh…right on, man.

[more tasty photos after the jump]

Armstrong to Ride Communist Bike

<sarcasm>

Just when you told yourself that you couldn’t stand any more of those Che-inspired, ARCH-SOCIALIST Obama posters, TERRORIST/ILLUSTRATOR Shepard Fairey strikes again! The only difference is that instead of working to elect PROVEN COMMUNIST Barack Obama to the highest office in the land, he has somehow convinced Lance Armstrong — capitalist/ubermensch/American hero — that his art is not SUBVERSIVE, WHICH IT IS.

I’m too sick to even discuss this new development, so I’ll just leave it to the RADICAL LEFTISTS in Trek’s marketing/PR department to explain the partnership between Fairey and Armstrong. I’ve taken the liberty of including a few clarifying notes in brackets:

As Lance Armstrong prepares for his first Grand Tour in nearly four years—the upcoming Giro d’Italia (May 9th-31st)—he’ll have two new bikes to ride as he races through the Italian countryside. The third and fourth bikes of the LIVESTRONG “Stages” art show—a Trek Madone and a Trek Equinox TTX—were recently unveiled by SuperTouchArt.com. The Madone, conceived by contemporary artist, graphic designer, and illustrator [read: TROTSKITE] Shepard Fairey, is, according to SuperTouch, “a vibrant homage to Lance’s cancer fighting foundation” that includes “ancient patterning in honor of Italy’s rich architectural [read: FASCIST] details.”

Apparently the plans are to auction the bikes in the fall, with the proceeds going to benefit the Lance Armstrong Foundation, but we all know “foundation” is code for THEY WILL BE GIVEN TO THE PROLETARIAT. William F. Buckley, Jr. is spinning in his grave.

[More photos and a video after the jump]