Posts Tagged ‘Lance Armstrong


The Tour de France Goat Jersey Standings (as of Stage 15)

dagoatAs the Tour de France rests its weary bones before a final, brutal week of alpine stages and time trials, it’s time to take a look back at the riders that have thoroughly disappointed me thus far. Consider this Festivus come early.

Yes yes, there’s still a week of racing to go – I know this. There have been many a redemption story in the Tour’s history. But did you see Contador’s assault at Verbier? According to the latest press release from TOACV, the winner of the 2009 Tour is a given; so what better time than now to begin handing out points for the coveted maillot chèvre (roughly translated as “jersey of goats”)?

Cadel Evans, Silence-Lotto (200 points)

Cadel, what happened to you, man? Ever since winning the UCI ProTour in 2007 (over Alberto, no less) and placing second in the 2007 and 2008 editions of the Tour de France, it’s been all downhill for you. Everybody — everybody — had you on the list of contenders for this year’s running, but after a disasterous TTT; a ridiculous, ill-timed attack in the 8th stage that was doomed to fail (“It turned out to be a big waste of energy,” you said afterwards); and your failure to make up any time on the first day of the Alps, you’ve been reduced to throwing pity parties attended by the international sporting press, always hungry for self-destructing athletes (“I’m so far behind in the GC that I didn’t think anyone would show up today,” you told reporters coming to visit you on the rest day).

So, congrats, Cadel! You probably won’t get anywhere close to the podium in Paris, but the maillot chèvre is firmly yours (for now; you might lose this one too).

[the rest of the goats after the jump]

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Alberto Contador Wins Stage 15, Your Girlfriend’s Heart

Tour de France 2009 Stage Fifteen


7.20.09 (VERBIER, SWITZERLAND) – The Office of Alberto Contador Velasco (TOACV) is proud to announce that the world’s strongest cyclist and UCI ProTeam Astana leader, Alberto Contador, has won Stage 15 of the 2009 Tour de France, a demanding mountain top finish in the Swiss ski town of Verbier. Contador is very much excited for his second Tour de France victory, to be celebrated on the Champs-Élysées on Sunday, July 26th, and would like to invite you and a guest to attend (please consider using mass transit, as parking will be limited).

Contador launched a brilliant attack with only 5 km to go and launched away from a group of riders including the Schleck brothers of Saxo Bank and Garmin’s Vande Velde. He quickly distanced himself from the chase group and was pleased to win the stage 43 seconds ahead of his closest competitor. The win has placed Contador firmly in the maillot jaune, and he looks forward to getting it framed at an expensive Swiss frame shop during the Monday rest day.

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The Armstrong Files: How Did I Miss This One?

Finally, some Lance Armstrong promo copy that’s sharp like a sword.



A Pep Talk from Lance Armstrong

Tour de France 2009 - Previews

As the Tour de France finishes up its first week and looks to the mountains, Lance Armstrong finds himself in a virtual second behind Fabian Cancellara and de facto leader of supergroup Astana (imagine Jay-Zr, Dr. Dre and and Ghostface with the Roots Crew…). After a rain-drenched Stage 6 to Barcelona that put many a rider on their ass, energy in the peleton is low and morale is lower. Armstrong sent this quick note from his Barcelona massage suite:

Good work, everyone, real good work. I know it’s been a tough week; that last stage was especially torturous, and there’s a lot of guys walking around all banged up (no one from Astana, of course). I just want to say as we look forward to 3 long days in the Pyrénées, let’s keep it together, okay? It’s our first real test in the mountains, and the beyond-categorization Arcalis summit will probably make a few of you shit your pants. No joke — I’ve seen it happen before, and I know it will happen again. And that kind of thing takes its toll on a man after a few days of thigh-searing climbs.

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The Countdown Begins: 10 Days to Le Tour


It’s officially ten days until the 96th Tour de France blasts off in Monaco, and things are strangely quiet. Even with national championships going on, there’s not much news hitting the wires; the best (and most cliche) way to describe it is as the calm before the storm. And you’d better believe it’s coming. The multitude of Lance-centric storylines in this year’s Tour (the “don’t-call-it-a” comeback, Lance vs. Levi vs. Alberto) will have every media outlet on the planet gushing over the stage results as if they actually watched it — have you ever seen cycling recaps on CNN, or the local news, for christ’s sake? Take this moment to mentally prepare yourself for all of the “So how’s Lance doing???” questions you’ll field in the next month.

Something to keep in mind: even a seven-time champion needs Lady Luck to win the Tour de France, and anything can happen over 2,000 miles (3,500 km) of racing. Lance will have his hands full dueling with longtime wingman Levi Leipheimer and ’07 champion Alberto Contador; meanwhile, strong contenders like defending champ Carlos Sastre and Denis Menchov will give the Texan a serious ride for his money. Expect fireworks, feuds and flameouts (not necessarily in that order). I wouldn’t count Sastre out of it.

I’ll be updating throughout the next ten days with a variety of pre-Tour stuff to get your appetite primed. Stay tuned.

[2009 Tour de France]


Another Word from Lance: What the Hell is Going On???

CYCLING: MAY 12 Giro dItalia - Stage 4

If you haven’t already heard, Lance Armstrong is racing in this month’s centenary Giro d’Italia, and as of Monday’s mountainous Stage 16, is in 12th place overall. It’s been a tough few weeks for the cyclist and his team, and although he has begun enforcing a sort of personal media blackout — Armstrong has begun bypassing journalists waiting for him after each stage and heading directly to the team bus or hotel — he was kind enough to send us this dispatch.

Here’s the thing: I thought this whole Giro thing would be a great way to get back in shape for the tour and log some miles on the Italian coast. It’d be good on-the-job training since that asshole tripped me up at the Castilla y Leon (which would be a great name for an indie band, by the way) and I broke my collarbone. The way Johan [Bruyneel, Astana team manager] described it, this would just be a pleasure spin around Rome — he literally said to me, “Lance, the goddamn Pope will be waving to you out his window.” The goddamn Pope.

[more Lance after the jump.]

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Armstrong to Ride Communist Bike

Trek Madone, Fairey Edition


Just when you told yourself that you couldn’t stand any more of those Che-inspired, ARCH-SOCIALIST Obama posters, TERRORIST/ILLUSTRATOR Shepard Fairey strikes again! The only difference is that instead of working to elect PROVEN COMMUNIST Barack Obama to the highest office in the land, he has somehow convinced Lance Armstrong — capitalist/ubermensch/American hero — that his art is not SUBVERSIVE, WHICH IT IS.

I’m too sick to even discuss this new development, so I’ll just leave it to the RADICAL LEFTISTS in Trek’s marketing/PR department to explain the partnership between Fairey and Armstrong. I’ve taken the liberty of including a few clarifying notes in brackets:

As Lance Armstrong prepares for his first Grand Tour in nearly four years—the upcoming Giro d’Italia (May 9th-31st)—he’ll have two new bikes to ride as he races through the Italian countryside. The third and fourth bikes of the LIVESTRONGStages” art show—a Trek Madone and a Trek Equinox TTX—were recently unveiled by The Madone, conceived by contemporary artist, graphic designer, and illustrator [read: TROTSKITE] Shepard Fairey, is, according to SuperTouch, “a vibrant homage to Lance’s cancer fighting foundation” that includes “ancient patterning in honor of Italy’s rich architectural [read: FASCIST] details.”

Apparently the plans are to auction the bikes in the fall, with the proceeds going to benefit the Lance Armstrong Foundation, but we all know “foundation” is code for THEY WILL BE GIVEN TO THE PROLETARIAT. William F. Buckley, Jr. is spinning in his grave.

[More photos and a video after the jump]

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