26
Jul
09

¡¡¡CONTADOR!!!

contador1_wideweb__470x321,0

URGENT PRESS RELEASE FROM THE OFFICE OF ALBERTO CONTADOR VELASCO:

7.26.09 (PARIS, FRANCE) – HOLY CRAP, EVERYONE IS GOING NUTS OVER HERE!!! OUR FRIENDS IN THE STUDY ABROAD PROGRAM SAID IT WOULD BE LIKE THIS, BUT WE DIDN’T BELIEVE IT… THE STREETS ARE FULL OF PEOPLE,  THERE’S POLICE EVERYWHERE IN RIOT GEAR, EVERYONE’S DRUNK.

WE ARE GOING TO BE RICH!

This is the best night of our lives.

Alberto would like to personally thank the Schleck brothers, who put up a hell of a fight on Mont Ventoux and made things semi-interesting. Thanks also to the fans who lined the route; their energetic cries and songs of support gave Alberto the strength to ride in Andy Schleck’s slipstream. TOACV staffer/former professional cyclist Cadel Evans was in the right place to capture this song (TOACV is in negotiations for the rights):

We’re going to Euro Disney!

[See also: Alberto Contador Will Win Tour, Make Love to You]

21
Jul
09

The Tour de France Goat Jersey Standings (as of Stage 15)

dagoatAs the Tour de France rests its weary bones before a final, brutal week of alpine stages and time trials, it’s time to take a look back at the riders that have thoroughly disappointed me thus far. Consider this Festivus come early.

Yes yes, there’s still a week of racing to go – I know this. There have been many a redemption story in the Tour’s history. But did you see Contador’s assault at Verbier? According to the latest press release from TOACV, the winner of the 2009 Tour is a given; so what better time than now to begin handing out points for the coveted maillot chèvre (roughly translated as “jersey of goats”)?

Cadel Evans, Silence-Lotto (200 points)

Cadel, what happened to you, man? Ever since winning the UCI ProTour in 2007 (over Alberto, no less) and placing second in the 2007 and 2008 editions of the Tour de France, it’s been all downhill for you. Everybody — everybody – had you on the list of contenders for this year’s running, but after a disasterous TTT; a ridiculous, ill-timed attack in the 8th stage that was doomed to fail (“It turned out to be a big waste of energy,” you said afterwards); and your failure to make up any time on the first day of the Alps, you’ve been reduced to throwing pity parties attended by the international sporting press, always hungry for self-destructing athletes (“I’m so far behind in the GC that I didn’t think anyone would show up today,” you told reporters coming to visit you on the rest day).

So, congrats, Cadel! You probably won’t get anywhere close to the podium in Paris, but the maillot chèvre is firmly yours (for now; you might lose this one too).

[the rest of the goats after the jump]

Continue reading ‘The Tour de France Goat Jersey Standings (as of Stage 15)’

20
Jul
09

RAGBRAI, Day 2: A Case of the Mondays

Monday-RAGBRAI-route

The first day of RAGBRAI saw fainting goats, kilts and a traveling bachelorette party (“Occasionally it gets in my face,” sayeth the almost-bride.) What’s next for day two — Miss Iowa playing a fiddle on the courthouse steps in a meager attempt to entertain the troops? Oh, really? Wow, that was a total shot in the dark.

[The Official RAGBRAI Site]

20
Jul
09

Alberto Contador Wins Stage 15, Your Girlfriend’s Heart

Tour de France 2009 Stage Fifteen

PRESS RELEASE FROM THE OFFICE OF ALBERTO CONTADOR VELASCO:

7.20.09 (VERBIER, SWITZERLAND) – The Office of Alberto Contador Velasco (TOACV) is proud to announce that the world’s strongest cyclist and UCI ProTeam Astana leader, Alberto Contador, has won Stage 15 of the 2009 Tour de France, a demanding mountain top finish in the Swiss ski town of Verbier. Contador is very much excited for his second Tour de France victory, to be celebrated on the Champs-Élysées on Sunday, July 26th, and would like to invite you and a guest to attend (please consider using mass transit, as parking will be limited).

Contador launched a brilliant attack with only 5 km to go and launched away from a group of riders including the Schleck brothers of Saxo Bank and Garmin’s Vande Velde. He quickly distanced himself from the chase group and was pleased to win the stage 43 seconds ahead of his closest competitor. The win has placed Contador firmly in the maillot jaune, and he looks forward to getting it framed at an expensive Swiss frame shop during the Monday rest day.

Continue reading ‘Alberto Contador Wins Stage 15, Your Girlfriend’s Heart’

14
Jul
09

Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Cycling Caps

chicago capI don’t know if cycling caps are currently cool or not (all I know is that hot pink is apparently the new black), but with my particularly ambivalent brand of “whatever works” style and a few dollars burning a hole in my pocket, I’ve decided it’s time to add a few pieces to the wardrobe.

But general fashion concerns aside, there’s the question of what to get in the first place. I feel like I should say something here like, “picking the right cap says a lot about a person,” but that would insinuate that I actually know. Personally, I’ve always loved the racing style of pro team caps, but would feel like a poseur pulling up at the local club ride and pretending that my fat ass just got back from Milram training camp.

[Note: looking cool and being a poseur are two related but theoretically distinct concerns in the fashion world.]

That said, my sources do tell me that retro/vintage team caps are now acceptable, thanks to the latest innovations in ironic fashion. I’m leaning towards a classic Team BiC cap to pay tribute to Luis Ocaña, or the retro Reynolds model to channel Big Mig, but there are a wide variety of classic, extinct team caps to choose from that should keep you out of the poseur police’s crosshairs.

If you’d prefer to sidestep the delicate business of declaring your loyalties with your head, Cognition Caps out of Madison, Wisconsin is producing a solid line of handmade cycling caps, including the smooth Chitown tribute shown above; coming in at $24, they won’t break the bank either.

Continue reading ‘Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Cycling Caps’

10
Jul
09

The Armstrong Files: How Did I Miss This One?

Finally, some Lance Armstrong promo copy that’s sharp like a sword.

[YouTube]

10
Jul
09

A Pep Talk from Lance Armstrong

Tour de France 2009 - Previews

As the Tour de France finishes up its first week and looks to the mountains, Lance Armstrong finds himself in a virtual second behind Fabian Cancellara and de facto leader of supergroup Astana (imagine Jay-Zr, Dr. Dre and and Ghostface with the Roots Crew…). After a rain-drenched Stage 6 to Barcelona that put many a rider on their ass, energy in the peleton is low and morale is lower. Armstrong sent this quick note from his Barcelona massage suite:

Good work, everyone, real good work. I know it’s been a tough week; that last stage was especially torturous, and there’s a lot of guys walking around all banged up (no one from Astana, of course). I just want to say as we look forward to 3 long days in the Pyrénées, let’s keep it together, okay? It’s our first real test in the mountains, and the beyond-categorization Arcalis summit will probably make a few of you shit your pants. No joke — I’ve seen it happen before, and I know it will happen again. And that kind of thing takes its toll on a man after a few days of thigh-searing climbs.

Continue reading ‘A Pep Talk from Lance Armstrong’




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